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Essentials: Boiling down the first half of Superbowl Ads.

Down, set, Sprint.
Hey Jack, it’s a fact, everyone’s ready for
ads discounted way down under the list prices.

Singing songs of praise for our great nation,
including, “Buy Books For Our Chain,” here’s

And now, please stand for American Idol to sing
one of our most popular National Anthems “Cars
and Hypes.”

Wow, Jennifer Hudson with the nailed ending. I’m
impressed. No really, I am.

So GI Joe’s the first biggie. Was that list price?
Now I know Avon didn’t pay fullprice, did they?
So now that we’ve finished the Multi-Level-Network-
Marketing of Jesus, let’s bork the Superbowl.

OK, I know Ronald McDonald paid full price. He prolly
paid extra to subsidize others, right?

Joining us in the Superbowl CoinToss General David
“I Better Not Dare Say Something That’ll Piss Off
Bush” Petraeus.

“Back into the injured area to promote healing,”
Who remembers Bob Backlund’s fake backbreak?
Remember when he was stretching with that ab

And now Billy Corgan for
Corgan would later claim he is a self-taught
HTML coder.

We could cut down on Bud Light, I mean marketing.

Angels & Demons, and Audis Oh my.

So did NBC use Silverlight for their platform on
this? If so, they seem to have worked out all those
embarrassing rebufferings happening that other time
they tried it out, you know, the “hesitation blues”
employees there did NOT dare speak of.

Will i am and Dylan for Everyoung. Pepsi, Everyoung,
drink it and feel good about yourself.

And don’t forget the coolranch Doritos, right?

Oh, how poetic. Right when the football got dislodged,
so came his contact lens undone. That boy will have
to be sidelined for at least 2 or 3 minutes. Keep an
eye on him.

Poetic. Hey, whatever happened to that bikinibowl that
danced to a roaring crescendo each time on an alternative
channel? I guess nipple-slips and wardrobe malfunctions
are passe now, eh? Nowhere near as exciting as 4 and 5
star generals tossing coins and stuff I guess.

Yeah, Conan doesn’t do commercials. Not even commercials
about commercials. What does he think he’s Shakespeare??

Influenced by many, gassed up by none. The all new Toyota
Venza. Get it where prices are slashed at least 40% under

I think I liked you better in pantie.. er, uh, I mean 3d.

Woah, did you see that play?? The motorcycle skids and
wipes out bigtime, the Audi gets away without even a
scratch. Such aplomb.

After these messages we’ll have good snacks.
Grean, now Mr Potatohead knocked off his girlfriend’s
big red lips. He shoulda had Bridgestone tires.

Get even, fast and furious, with Castrol synthetic
stuff in a container.

It’s happening again, the coroner, the yellow tape,
the pictures, Medium looks just like NCIS + 24 +
Sopranos divided by 3!!!

We’re back now with Matt Lauer for SNL looking
adventure crap. Enjoy the stupidity, and don’t
forget to buy popcorn with extra Castrol synthetic
stuff poured onto it.

There’s that doritos commercial I was waiting for.
He turns a cop into a Godaddy commercial.
Suddenly I have the urge to renew one of my

And now here’s Danica Sue Patrick (born March 25,
1982 in Beloit, Wisconsin) for clothing if you feel
like it.

Hey, who put the howler monkey in the police pants?

So how many of these ad executives have watched
entirely too many episodes of Jackass?

Maybe you should get a howler monkey.

Ah, Justin Morgan had a hernia. Raymond James
stadium. You can call me Ray, or you can call me
Jay, or you can call me RayJay, or you can call
me Raymond James stadium, but don’t you dare
resell naming rights to my Lambardeau, ok?

Star Trek, Next iteration.

Mission G. Gatorade looking stuff so you can stick
extra electrolytes into your bod. Call me, we’ll
save goldfish and rabbits together. for everything else there’s Mastercar.

TWITTER: Any1 else tired of looking at Danica
Patrick? Seriously. I never salivate & then go
search 4 domains anymore. Wait, I never did that

Win one award and suddenly everyone gets your
name right. Funday, that’s my Honda.

ETrade, That’s China.

Immediately after the first half, drink some
Sobe and stuff.

So MC Hammer likes Pittsburgh’s D. He’s twittering
everyone all about it.

Disney Pixar for Etch A Sketch 2.0

Bud White, with 35% more drunkability, chicks

And now here’s Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner
for H&R Block. Just send us a check as soon as you
get a chance, k?

Ah, the Gatorade Halftime Retort. Give me some cold
gooey green radioactive looking stuff, I wanna eat

Eww. The Cheetos thingamabob in front of a generic
non-product-placement starbucks-looking thing.

And now here’s Paula Abdul for Pitch Correction,
Sobe and Chuck in 3D.